"Frequently, I've said to myself, is this my life? Like last night - am I really at this killer party in a beautiful house overlooking the ocean from a mountaintop, with aeriel silks in the living room, a pool that cascades into the ocean, surrounded by beautiful people and fun music, on top of that, there are the best fire dancers I have ever seen RIGHT THERE - like I could touch them if I was just a little weirder... And I get to be here? No way!
I danced in front of this psychadelic video imaging device, and then for the ocean we overlooked.... I was physically exhausted, after 6 hours of poi spinning, a run, and the most intense yoga class I've experienced.
To clarify, I was already exhausted before Yoga. Vinyassana is not easy when your body hardly wants to move, much less hold ackward & challenging positions. It was frustrating, but had glimpses of joy as I discovered a new move or found softness in a position. But mostly, just tiring & mildly upsetting. Right at the end, we did some moves I enjoyed & could do well, and then we meditated.
And as we did so, all I could do was cry. It was a release so pure that I didn't move a muscle in my face & the tears fell anyways. It was me finally letting go of that self-hatred, the superiority complex that alienates me so. It was me accepting my past and leaving my notions of the future aside. It was me, listening to the sound of the waves as they crushed rocks into sand but gave life to so many creatures. It was me.
& we layed back into corpse pose & I tried to relax all the little spots of tension in my head & neck & hips & back (it was me, remembering love of my body after months - maybe years - of endless mutual torture). I wanted so much to remember this moment, so any time my mind drifted to the party, to Pittsburgh, to love or friends or adversaries, I simply said to myself BE HERE NOW, and tuned into the crickets, the ocean, my breath, the sounds & smells, texture & color. I would eat it up and inevitably I would get carried somewhere else only to remind myself to BE HERE NOW. If I am in Pittsburgh while on the beach in Montezuma, and think only of Costa Rica upon my return, where am I really?"
& from that day's Angel card @ Yoga studio (Los Mangos): "Synthesis: Act with a win-win additude. Use your overactivity and sensitivity to blend all the diverse parts into a unified whole"
"God, I am so excited to be going home, though I never ever want to leave here. Every inch of my physical body aches right now, but I am alive again, and that ache is my reminder that I am here, and underneath anything, I am a beautiful creature."
Angel Card: "Presence: Your thoughts create. Your actions matter. Your presence changeseverything. Alight with your essence. Know your place, stand up fully in yourself and greet each moment afresh".
Wednesday: "The rain has come. I am being clensed on so many levels (except for the rash on my face and lots of bugbites). In Yoga tonight, I learned the nature of dreaming, how to be peace in the body enough to let the spirit be free. I learned about travelling through space & went to spend a few minutes with Chad. I learned about intentions & how to align within yourself. I remembered.
There have been so many locks in my soul (and poi spinning. and yoga, though I did touch both heels to the floor in Down Dog for the first time ever!), and they are opening. I see the possibilities that have become boundless. I am freer of myself while being all myself. Freedom of choice, of desire & longing, also of... well, everything. I can choose to bind myself in with dead-end thought s& drown in hoplessness... or I can choose the expansive universe & float between moments as if they were worlds apart. I touch moments, but I do not need to get trapped, & can choose to stay in one if I want.
I went back to union with Chad, a moment of pause in our lovemaking, and found not just the physical pleasure, but the open universe as I've known it then. I believe I will be able to access this space myself, with him, with other loved ones... and giving from this place is not losing from oneself, but sharing the universe, as I see it, with others & then back with the universe itself. Instead of keeping for the self, the universe must receive as well. Things lost in the ether, moments remembered or forgotten. Softness. Stillness. Even in movement. It is not of the self. Feeding the ego will never equate to happiness."
Angel Card: "Beauty: The beauty of nature can only be perceived with a serene mind & harmless heart. So, to, is it with the beauty of people." (self-effort was the other card, no definitions with them tho)
"I could blame my mood on excess cheese or I could accept that I let myself fall into self-destructive thinking, particularly self-doubt when faced with a choice, or letting other people down. I can't decide to go to Pijiji for a day or to stay here and poi with Nick on Saturday morning, maybe see Cabo Blanco. I'd almost want to head home a day early. I still have many demons to conquer...
Still many turns on this journey. I need to both do more for me and give more to others. I have been unhealthily doing less to better myself & then hogging resources, as it felt necessary to balance. Making choices can be devestating to me - but why? It's an apparantly simple choice - visit a friend under a hectic schedule or go a little slower & stay? I think I will go but I may have to either lighten my load or get a new suitcase (and where I'd do the later in Costa Rica, I have not the slightest idea). I am also starting to see my superiority complex, which is beautifully complimented with self-doubt and insecurity. These words seem so easy to overcome, but it is the behavioral pattern I have been existing in for my whole life, I bet."
"Lit up twice tonight. Got some nice feedback about mys style from the girls I like most here, including Bene who is my favorite dancer, & Amber who is so graceful but timid (?) - she is a performer who works as a pair & they have their choreography & she does not often play. I walked up to the fire just as Nick lit up (I had taken a long nap until close to midnight) - he is funny while he spins! He just enjoys it so much, it is evident. I wonder if he loves teaching.
Speaking of which, I came to some understanding tonight about myself as a teacher. I think it will help solidify my brain to teach - offer options, but learn which is best to me. I forget the profound part, of course, but it involves sharing knowledge as a gifting process. Who knows!
Michel was taking some great photos and he got some of me spinning in the water, moon overhead, a few of the moon falling to earth as I ascend. What a lovely night, after the brain goonies let me take a nap. After the fire, a bunch of locals kept going with a Fiesta a Tambour (drum party) so I finally got to play some darbuka-ish drums. I danced a bunch (and sang while Amber spun). I am very inspired to do chanting more at home. As Elizabeth Gilbert put it, "Chanting is a word I do not love which describes something I love dearly". The om chanting in Yoga has been great and what a fun studio! Peaceful, beautifully arranged. It used to be a kitchen. I really would love to have a dance studio close to home so I can practice more. Perhaps with all these intentional-community minded people I am meeting, who knows??"
Angel: "Spontaneity: The ability to act appropriatly & without hesitation in an unplanned moment. Follow your intuitive promptings & explore the full spectrum of your creativity" (contemplation)
"I saw my dad. Grandma Mabel. Ben's pure self. I felt pure love for George Bush. I thanked myself ten times, fully grateful."
"It is Saturday - a lazy day. Put some laundry in to be done. Got a bag to check at the airport, and a mask that Chad will love. There was a good match - flowers and trees & a small human (Indiaj) head with birds sitting on it, but they were so expensive. This town is funny with price. And all the sun? Really. ;)
It is freezing snow in most of the states - down to Texas.
I think I may still be at the very beginning of a spiritual journey, making baby steps towards the divine. I'm not even so sure it is a path I want to be on, but at least I see where it begins if I choose to embark on that journey. I want to sing a lot first.
The future I wish will come about is beginning to manifest. A recording studio, an events planning / tour managing company. A dance studio, a youth hostel. These things are all possible. But for now, I am clear-headed in Costa Rica. May I be blessed with clarity upon my return to Pittsburgh.
All these local dreadlocks are beautiful, but must always be so heavy! They weigh me down when they are wet & sometimes get in the way of my poi. Someone - Dan from MD - said to cut 'em. Brandon said learn to work around them. I wonder why the final decision will come down to, as it's one I've contemplated several times.
I saw monkeys yesterday! Funny creatures. One was trying to crack open a plastic water bottle as if it were a coconut. Another was posing for our photos. Most were climbing & playing - a family of about 20 monkeys!...
After all my wishing for solitude & getting it often, I feel overwhelmed with love. For all these people I have shared this week with, for all other people, plants & animals. For the sand & ocean & little stores & telephone wires. For the natives & the tourists, artists & consultants. Love for the food, for the lessons & the locks I've encountered. Even for that funny night full of DJ's & Diahreah. Even for myself 7 for others I once believed I hated. For music, free will, a culture of constant celebration.
I am so grateful to have remembered how to love unconditionally, and my one wish for this trip is to REMEMBER THAT!"
"I am at Nicholas' father's house, Victor of Lithuania, the wheat-grass wholefood guru. It is on top of heavan, looking towards the ocean. We ate sea vegatables & kaminchee, with an all-veggie frozen chocolate moose for desert. People are tuning, there are dance ropes hung up. I am in a hammock digesting, listening to crickets. Victor spoke of sungazers - people who take all their nutrition from the sun. His purpose is to get energy not from the vegtables but from where the vegetables get their energy - the source. He started as an electrical engineer - a mathamatitian - working with computers. He became a teacher for the vacation time. Then 4 months was not enough, so he gave his energy as a volunteer to the spirit, the universe. This led to founding the whole foods movement. He told me to listen, to open my heart to the possibilities, & to learn myself... How did I get here?
Entrainment: Angel Tuners. Where are these people from? They were talking about UFO's & Alien roots. It's beautifully bizarre. A woman here owns one of the restaurants in the "1000 places to go before you die" book. It begins with a B, and is on Long Island... There's a mini-Doberman who is scared of all people. And Mork from Ork? I thought Victor was blind, but instead he may just have his focus elsewhere. When he wanted to look at you, he could very clearly.
I am blessed. Can I even express all this? It's wild. Causal-linear thinking turned to chaotic-systematic understanding. I have been freed...
Exhausted, again, and again full of love. It is so nice to be around so many people who seek enjoyment, in a spiritual sense. Not just in search of bigger or better, but in search of union. But it is not a search, either...
The walk back from Aqua Vita is awesome - all the stars! The walk up in the daytime was a happy grueling. Much sweat, but an ocean view & pretty cows. At night, the noises still scared me, as I didn't know what they were - & sometimes they were so close! Did I mention I'm exhausted?"
"Until last night, I was more-or-less convinced that in order to follow a spiritual path, I had to leave behind so much of what I love, including music & performing. It seems like that is an urge born too much of the ego... But what if I could unite both? Aren't my goals in music more spiritual anyways? I am not seeking celebrity status. I am hoping to pass on a great wisdom - noble, humble wisdom - to an audience. But don't I need to achieve that state first? Eve is pretty convinced that the two go hand in hand, and now I am too. I knew it, perhaps, but am so often afraid of my own ego that it stops me from pursuing higher goals.
It is with the want to unite a spiritual and musical path that I humbly ask for a spiritual teacher. Love, e"
"I had a mild crisis in the airport trying to find something to eat. All the options were either fried or included meat. I finally caved in to a Burger King Fish combo. It left me bloated & tired & less than an hour later, I could eat again. Not much nutrition in fast food & my body has gotten used to good, whole fresh foods.
I want to say I miss this place already, but it is still with me, always."
 |
| From Fire |
Months later, crazy months full of returning to oversized questions, I am still receiving messages from the universe, still trying to stay true to the simple path my feet carry me on, instead of the winding improvisations my brain wisps away on. There's something truer in trying to understand simply by recognizing what you don't. Not all answers are clearly apparent, this is the overwhelming mystery of the universe. Especially covered up by whatever these ego-driven needs seem to propel us towards, it seems vital to live and the preservation of spirit to exist as much within oneself and outside of one self as simultaneously possible.
I am still in love with the universe, and accept myself now as a creature within that love. Not even as me in the universe, but as a silk woven into the fabric, all one. It is immense, heavy in it's emptiness, vast in possibilities, capable of creating whatever the dreamers believe. Now it is just a matter of accepting the dream as it is - always evolving, never dying, always present, never quite crystalized.
The demons, I am still working out. It is why I write them out. I am not yet my purest self. however,
Presence. Beauty. Spontenaity.
These things I now know.
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